There Is a Sacredness in Tears

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Reaching out to others

I wanted to share with you all a great video about a program that helps bereaved parents receive support from other bereaved parents.  I love these kinds of stories!  It always restores my faith in humanity.  I am truly amazed by all of you and how much you do to reach out to others in need.  We need more news stories like these!

I tried to embed the video on this post but for some reason it wouldn't show up whenever I posted it, so here is the link to the video. 

Enjoy!

Coping When a Child Dies

I wanted to share this article with you from the newsletter of Alive Alone in 1997.  It's written by a bereaved mother and I think shares the raw pain of loss....


COPING WHEN A CHILD DIES

Rosemary’s son, Arthur, 9, was hit by a car while waiting on his bicycle to cross the street at the end of the driveway on Dec. 7, 1986.

The first few days I went through the motions of preparing for Arthur’s funeral. Then I went through the phase of not sleeping and eating. I would wake up at night and think, “ Maybe he’s alive.”

I went to a therapist but he didn’t know what to do with me because he had not experienced the death of his child. He finally suggested Compassionate Friends where I met people who could help me with the grief process.

I had a “screaming-meemees” crying fit about four months after Arthur died. I think if any of the neighbors had heard me they would have called the police to have me committed. Then I remembered someone saying at the support group that they had this experience and when it happens you should just go with it. It really did release the pressure.

All the big days became a source of renewed pain - Christmas, Easter, Halloween, the first day of school, birthdays, death dates and to this day I go away on Mother’s Day.

I began to hate going to the supermarket. If I went down the cereal aisle, I would encounter the Cheerios Arthur used to eat, and in the cookie aisle it would be the Oreos he dunked in his milk at night.

After taking a fall my doctor said, “Ro, do you understand you might have permanent paralysis.” I replied, “I’ve been through the worst, nothing else can happen to me.”

By spring I was angry. Daffodils were emerging and Arthur always brought me my first daffodil of spring. I wanted to stomp on the daffodils! But this time I dug up the daffodils and took them to Arthur at the cemetery.

Whatever the season or stage of grief the support group was there, a place to talk about your feelings, how one can break down in tears for no apparent reason, and how to respond to questions about your child.

We really have a need to talk about our children who died. My biggest fear is that people will forget my child. I really appreciate getting cards and/or phone calls near Arthur’s birth and death days.

I recommend belonging to a support group as the bereaved parents become your extended family. You make a lot of friendships there with people who are sensitive to your feelings. You learn that crying is OK.

I also recommend that newly bereaved parents try to do a project in the name of your child. I bought a bookcase for the library of the middle school where Arthur would have attended and had his name put on it. Each year at Christmas or on his death anniversary I ask relatives and friends to purchase books and make donations to his library.

You may want to plant a garden in memory of your child. Do something positive in memory of your child.
ALIVE ALONE AUGUST, 1997

Losing an Only Child

I wanted to share with you a resource for those that have lost their only child.  The site is called Alive Alone.

Alive Alone is an organization for the education and charitable purposes to benefit bereaved parents, whose only child or all children are deceased, by providing a self-help network and publications to promote communication and healing, to assist in resolving their grief, and a means to reinvest their lives for a positive future.

You can read the history and story behind how this organization started.  They also have a newsletter that they publish bimonthly for $20 or there are a few newsletter excerpts from the newsletter on their website as well.

Alive Alone is holding a workshop for all parents that have lost their only child during the National Compassionate Friends Conference in Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota July 15-17, 2011.  For more information about Alive Alone visit their website.

Laken's Bears

I'm happy today to spotlight Melissa of Remembering our Tiny Someone & Laken's Bears.  Here's a little more about Melissa, her blog, Laken her angel, and her project.....

Melissa

I have been married to my best friend for soon to be 11 years August 20th. He is my security blanket in every way possible. Together we have some beautiful brown eyed babies. Paige is 12 years old, Chase 7 years old and our baby Laken who is our 10 month old angel born April 8, 2010. She came into the world too early and left us too soon. She will forever be a part of our family and missed very much.

Laken's Bears were inspired by the loss of our daughter Laken Taylor Johnson who was born extremely premature at 22 weeks and 4 days on April 8, 2010. After months of grieving and looking for support and resources on our own, we found that giving back helped heal our hearts the most. It was then that Laken's Bears were created.
Laken's Bears is a non-profit organization working with others to help get teddy bears into the arms and memory boxes of other grieving families.We hope to reach out and work with hospitals, funeral homes, and team up with other BLM (baby loss mama's) around the world that are trying to make a difference. The idea is to have people sponsor a Laken's Bear for $2 each in a loved ones name to be given to a grieving family. You can sponsor as many Laken's Bears as you would like in as many names as you would like. Although a teddy bear may seem simple, it's healing powers are amazing!

Example of the tag that is attached to each Laken's Bear

Each tag will read, "This Laken's Bear is sponsored by the family of _________ born __________. May this teddy bear bring you peace and comfort."

Each sponsor will also receive an 5x7 certificate of generosity because without you, none of this would be possible!

Example:

I just love this idea and think that so many hearts will be touched by these sweet bears.  Melissa just sent out her first shipment of bears to a hospital in Florida.  Way to go Melissa!

If you'd like to sponsor a bear in honor of your sweet angel just visit Sponsor a Laken's Bear.  I love hearing all these wonderful projects that so many great women are doing to honor and remember their children!  Thank you Melissa for doing so much good for others and sharing your sweet Laken with us!

The Ten Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person

I saw this great article on In His Name, and thought I would share it all with you.



The Ten Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Person

Debra J. Hicks

Here's why some of the things people said after the loss of my son, Joshua, provided little comfort.

1. I know how you feel.
Even if your child died, you can't know how I feel, because every person and situation is unique. If you want to share how you felt when you experienced a loss, that's fine. But bite your tongue if you're ever tempted to compare two people's grief.

2. How are you doing?
Many people use this greeting out of habit and aren't prepared for an honest reply. A much better greeting is simply It's good to see you.  If you truly are prepared to find out how a grieving person is feeling, try to use specific questions such as: What was the hardest thing you've had to face this week or Have you been able to have a good cry lately?

3. Look on the bright side. It could have been much worse.
Yes, it's true that others have had to face worse. And even though a bereaved person could probably find a dozen reasons to be thankful if hard-pressed, you needn't try to force them to be cheerful. Sadness is the normal, healthy response to the death of a loved one.

4. Call me if there's anything I can do to help.
Few grieving people will ask for help because they are usually too overwhelmed to assess and prioritize their needs. Friends should offer to do something specific and remember to get permission before taking action.

5. At least we know it was God's will.
While it's true that God allows bad things, this statement is insidious because it implies that He intentionally plans them in order to punish or teach us. It's not God but the enemy who deserves credit for evil and its completely irrational results.

6. Don't worry; you're young. You'll get on with your life.
A loved one who dies is not replaceable. Having another child can ease the pain of a secondary loss (such as the loss of an occupation, in my case, since I was a stay-at-home mom when my only child died). But parents will mourn the primary loss?a relationship with that child?for as long as they live.

7. Aren't you happy your child doesn't have to live in this sinful world anymore?
Although we have a blessed hope that the separation of death is only temporary, happiness won't be realized until the great reunion. If parents were meant to care only for heaven and nothing for this life, then the happiest parents would be those whose babies are stillborn, right?

8. Don't talk that way. You know better than that.
The ability to safely express doubts, questions, and anger is crucial in the healing process. It's perfectly natural for grieving persons to wonder why God didn't step in and overrule in their particular situation. Allow them to wrestle through this difficult issue and question the One who says in Isaiah 1:18, Come now, let us reason together. He can sooner help a person who expresses these feelings than one who buries them beneath a guise of unquestioning acceptance.

9. You must be really strong. I'd die if that happened to me.
What you perceive as calm strength is more likely the numbness of shock. You may be surprised how many grief-stricken people pray for God to let them die, too. Death would be a welcome relief, and many have briefly considered suicide. The last thing they need is for someone to imply that they are disloyal for trying to make the best of the life they have.

10. You should be over this by now.
Grieving for a child is a lifelong process, not a weeklong event. The only way to get over it would be to forget that child an unhealthy alternative to grief known as denial. Life will eventually seem worth living again, but it will never be as it once was. Too much has changed.

Written in the Stars

Today I'd love to spotlight Amanda from Written in the Stars.  Here's what Amanda has to say about why she started Written in the Stars....

Written in the Stars in something I started after losing my daughter at almost 15 weeks pregnant. I have nothing from her, no photos, no prints, nothing. I came across the site To Write Their Name In The Sand where they will make you an imagine with your childs name written in the sand on a beautiful beach on sunset. It made me wonder if there was something I could do and one summer nite I took a picture of the sky that I really like. Looking at the stars always makes me think of Ireland so 'writing' her name in the stars seemed like a fun thing to try. I loved it, and it was one more thing I could have to remind me of Ireland and I wanted to offer this to other greiving parents.

If you would like your child's name written in the stars I would be happy to make one for you. Email me at mandimchady @ hotmail.com

Look at the beautiful work she does.  I just love this idea!  Amanda is a photographer and uses her skills to serve others.  She started Ireland's Angels.

Ireland's Angels is part of my photography business dedicated to offering complimentary photography session for those affected by infant loss or terminal illness in the family. Please contanct me for more information. This is the heart of my photography. mandimchady@hotmail.com

Thanks Amanda for sharing your talent with all of us and your sweet Ireland! 

Feeling My Way Through Grief

I came across an excellent article written by Betty Ann Rutledge about her process through grief.  It's from the resources section from Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto.  You can access the article directly on their site or read it posted below.

Feeling My Way Through Grief

by Betty Ann Rutledge, Program Manager

“Grief is not, as I thought, a state, but a process.  Like a walk in a winding valley which gives you a new landscape every few miles.”
- C.S. Lewis

I learned a long time ago that there is no way around grief. Can’t climb over it, can’t crawl under it and, as clever as I’ve tried to be, no way to sneak around it. The only way through grief is through it. For the newly bereaved (and for anyone who is in a “hit of grief” at any point on their journey), traveling this road is painful, confusing and downright terrifying in moments. So as we learn to find our way through this new landscape of grief, it’s helpful to have a few definitions to guide us:

Bereavement:  the state of having suffered a loss: physical or symbolic*; state of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one

Grief: deep mental anguish arising from bereavement; intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one; the process that allows us to say good-bye to what was and get ready for that which is yet to come*

Mourning: the actions or expressions of one who has suffered a bereavement; conventional outward signs of grief for the dead; public, shared expression of a person’s thoughts, behaviours and emotions related to a loss*

While we know that grief affects us at all levels of our being – physical, emotional, mental/attitudinal, spiritual, social/sexual – for many, the first thing we think of when it comes to grief is feelings. Most definitions of grief and bereavement make some reference to emotions – and for a lot of us, here’s where the terrain becomes the most treacherous to navigate.

“I’m afraid if I start to cry, I’ll never stop”
“I’m so angry, I could scream”
“I feel so hopeless, I can’t even get out of bed”
“I feel so sad, I don’t know if I will ever recover”

These, and many other expressions of deep, emotional pain are commonly heard amongst bereaved people. It’s no wonder then that we might be tempted to avoid feeling our feelings altogether – it sounds pretty overwhelming! But if we are truly going to find a way to “live with our grief”, experiencing the myriad emotions and feelings that spring from our losses is one of the essential tasks of mourning.

A wise person** once described it to me like this: Think of your emotions as bubbles in a glass of soda or champagne (the beverage being your emotional body).  As you experience a feeling – sad, mad, scared, happy, love, desire – that feeling floats up through your emotional body and when it reaches the “surface”, like a bubble at the top of a glass of soda, it POPS and evaporates into the air.

However, if you “put a lid” on your “bubbles”, actively trying to block them from traveling up their path through your emotional body, not only will you experience a build-up of “negative” emotions (and that in turn will impact you physically, mentally etc.) – but you will also block yourself from experiencing the more “welcome” emotions of joy and peace and love from bubbling up in you.

Put another way: avoiding your feelings can lead to emotional indigestion.  And just like having a good burp can ease your physical discomfort, letting yourself have a good emotional release will lead to a softening of your emotional body as well. This is not an easy process – it can be terrifying to experience our feelings. Many of us, for all kinds of good reasons, have not been able to.  We’ve received messages our whole lives about “appropriate” behaviour related to feelings.  Some of those messages are gender-based like “big boys don’t cry”, some we absorb from our families, others are influenced by our faith, culture, personality and life experiences.

A British-born friend describes his family as the “suck it up” type of grievers – which essentially left him no room or permission to express his feelings.  Another friend who comes from the West Indies told me that Black women often feel they must “be strong” for their family (especially their children), that they cannot allow themselves to feel or show any kind of “weakness” (i.e. crying) – they can’t afford to, as they are responsible for so much in their lives and communities. What messages have you absorbed about feelings?

Even the language of feelings discourages us with its negativity and judgment.  People who express emotions openly are described as “falling apart” or “losing it”.  And how many times do we hear someone say “I’m sorry” while they are crying.  What’s to be sorry for!  Feelings aren’t good or bad – they just ARE.

We all have our histories and stories that have informed how we think, feel and behave in response to grief. Stories and histories that loom large when we are faced with the daunting task of mourning: “to experience the pain of grief”.

So what can we do?  A dear friend once counseled me to “lean into” my pain.  In those deepest, darkest moments of grief, to really let myself feel the sorrow and pay attention to what happens. Listen to the sounds my body makes, notice the words that come to mind, and try to remember that this is just another bubble that will eventually move through me and pop.  If you’re afraid to cry because you don’t think you’ll be able to stop, think about this:  Have you ever heard of anyone laughing so much they couldn’t stop or being joyful indefinitely?  Try to think of sadness as just another feeling, another bubble, remember to breathe and trust that the moment of intense pain will ease.

Leaning into the pain has also been described as “being in the pit” (think of peaks and valleys – experiencing the painful emotions of grief can be a very deep valley). If you’re new at this, venturing into the pit unaccompanied may not be such a good idea. A trusted friend or family member who can sit with you, a fellow bereaved traveler, or a counselor may be enlisted to provide comfort and safety.

I believe that my loved ones who have died want me to live as full as life as I possibly can. And for me, living fully requires me to stand bravely and honestly in the fullness of my humanity: tears, fears and anger as well as joy, love and peace.  And when standing is impossible, and I am brought to my knees in despair, I try and remember the following:

“I bow in reverence before the emotions of every melted heart. We have a human right to our sorrow. To blame the deep grief which bereavement awakens is to censure all strong human attachments. The more intense the delight in their presence, the more poignant the impression of their absence; and you cannot destroy the anguish unless you forbid the joy. A morality which rebukes sorrow rebukes love. When the tears of bereavement have had their natural flow, they lead us again to life and love's generous joy.” --James Martineau

*With thanks and appreciation to friend and mentor Yvette Perreault of the AIDS Bereavement Project of Ontario (www.abpo.org) and 
**Derek Scott (www.yourtherapist.org) whose words, definitions and bubble metaphors have been of enormous benefit in my personal and professional journey through grief.

Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto

I was looking at the stats the other day and realized that Honoring Our Angels has quite a few Canadian visitors.  Hoping to help find them some resources, I came across Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto.

Who We Serve

Has a member of your family died? You are not alone. Whether you are newly bereaved, or dealing with a loss in your past, we wish you strength as you face the pain. You have already taken the first step by visiting here -- we know how much courage it takes to reach out. We have been there, and we can help the healing begin.

We can help. We provide a place for you to discuss your experiences and learn about grief with others who have been there. We give you a chance to talk, in a confidential setting, about how your loss affects your life. By sharing with others who have been there, you may learn how to cope by gaining insight into your own thoughts and feelings.

Who we serve. Currently we offer mutual support groups that are co-facilitated by bereaved volunteers and supported by professional advisors, for:

• Parents of an infant child (including miscarriages, babies that are born still and newborn/infant deaths)
• Parents of a young child or adult child
• Children ages 5-8 yrs and 9-12 yrs old who have experienced the death of a parent/caregiver or sibling
• Youth 13-17 years of age who have experienced the death of a parent/caregiver, sibling or close friend
• Young adults (18-30) who have experienced the death of a parent/cargeiver or sibling
• Adults (over 30) who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, spouse or partner

Our members have experienced deaths in their families due to prolonged or short-term illnesses like cancer and HIV/AIDS as well as sudden or traumatic deaths from heart attacks, accidents, murder and suicide.

 Initial Support

What can I do?
It is normal to feel a great deal of confusion, pain and sadness after a loved one dies. Some people find it helpful to read about the experiences of other bereaved people and/or information about grief and loss. You can do that on our website.

Telephone Support
For others, they need to talk with someone who has "been there". You can call our office at 416-440-0290 Monday to Thursday between 9am and 5pm and speak with one of our volunteers or staff members - all of whom know the pain of losing someone we love.

We are here to listen and provide support without judgement. We won't tell you what to do - there is no "right" way to grieve - but we can tell you what helped get us through.

I feel like I can't go on...
Feeling hopeless and full of despair can lead you to question whether or not you want to go on living. It's okay to talk with us about how bad you are feeling. As bereaved persons ourselves, we know those moments of feeling alone, isolated and terribly sad. When we're not available, here are some other numbers you can call.

Can I see someone in person?
We don’t provide professional counselling but you may wish to sign up for a 1-1 session with a similarly bereaved facilitator.  You can come alone or with your partner or a supportive friend or family member. It's a chance for you to talk about your loss; get some immediate support from someone who understands and find out more about our Support Group programs.  If you would like to explore ongoing professional counseling, you can find ourprofessional referral list on our website.

Call our office at 416-440-0290 to sign up for GROUP SESSIONS.

If you are in the Ontario/Toronto area this group looks like a wonderful resource for support!

Courage Doesn't Always Roar

Courage Does Not Always Roar

I saw this beautiful inspirational slide show about courage and thought I would share it with you.  Thanks to all you beautiful men/women who inspire me with your courage to find joy in life despite it's heartaches and trials.