Thursday, January 13, 2011

What Can I Say To Someone Who Has Lost A Child?

I know that after a loved one has a significant loss so many people struggle for words to say or things to do to let that person know that they are cared for.  Too often people feel like they need to help the bereaved individual "feel better".  There really isn't anything you can do to take away their pain, but letting them know that you are there to listen and support them in they way that THEY need is helpful.  I found another list of "Things You Can Say & Do" at Baby Loss Comfort and thought I would share with you what they recommend.

What were the best things others did for you or said to you after you lost your child?


  • "Who can I call for you? Let me help gather loving support around you."
  • "Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve."
  • "This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
  • "Talk to me, share your thoughts, feelings and memories of your baby. I know that you haven't forgotten your baby or your pain just because I'm afraid to mention it."
  • "When you've decided what you want to do with your baby's clothes, toys and furniture, I'll help you sort through it all. And if you need to cry, I'll bring the tissues."
  • "Let me take your baby's sibling to the park, read a story or tickle their toes. I know you don't feel like laughing or playing right now."
  • "I'm going to run errands now—is there anything I can pick up or do for you?
  • "Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal."
  • "There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
  • "Don't worry about your baby's brothers and sisters at the funeral—I'll watch them and give them extra love and attention."
  • "I'll be over to pick up your baby's brother or sister to take them to school, Grandma's house, or to their soccer game—I'll even stay and cheer them on! And I'll listen to their feelings about losing a baby brother or sister. They need to know their world is safe even though yours doesn't feel that way right now."
  • "I'll help fill out medical forms, walk the dog, pay bills or answer the phone. I understand that it's hard to deal with the mundane details of life right now."
  • "I know it seems like a long time, but you don't have to 'get over' the loss of your baby on any time table. You'll feel better when you do and I'll still be here."
  • "Tell me more about your pregnancy and your baby...I'm interested and I'm not tired of hearing the same stories. I know sometimes you need to keep going over those events until they seem real and more tolerable."
  • "Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your baby? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. And I'll remember this day next year and the year after."
  • "How are you doing today? If you don't feel like answering the phone, I'll just leave a message to let you know that I love you and was thinking about you. I'm sure you'll return my call when you feel up to it."
  • "I've found a list of local support groups in your community, synagogue or church and I'll take you if you'd like to go."
  • "I understand if you're having a hard time being my friend when I have a new baby and you've lost yours. I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."
  • "Don't feel guilty because you laughed today."
  • "I'm here. Call me any time of the day or night. I'll cry with you, I'll listen to you and I'll even laugh with you. I'll always have tissues."


The Ynclans said...

I love this. It is hard to know what to say or express how much you want to be there for them.

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